Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
