Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
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she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
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Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.