I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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