we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
