i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
