I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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