it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
