my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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