i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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