so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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