ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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