What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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