i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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