Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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