also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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