Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
