yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
wow bdsm is so cute
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