Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
