i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
