she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
