I cannot find my penis.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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