I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
