It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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