So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
...so i touched it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
