Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
