Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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