Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
