it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
