Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
