Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I faked an abortion last night.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
