My sheets look like a crime scene.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
