Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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