K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
