Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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