ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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