i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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