Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
