She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
