She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
