Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
