i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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