i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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