Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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