Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
