between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
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