don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
