He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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