Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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