I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
