I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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