you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
