I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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