so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
