can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
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Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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