I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
